31st October 2020
There’s no better day to talk about what scares you than the night ghosts and ghouls wander the streets. However, my fears don’t manifest during Halloweens’ full moon, and they’re not easily warded off by the jack-o-lanterns guarding my doorsteps.
Instead, I live with my fears everyday of the year. They often consume me when least expected, never wanted, and they never announce themselves. I could go days without minding them, spend weeks forgetting they exist, but other times, they work their way from the very depths of my mind and swallow me whole.
And I’ve just swan dived into my pit of fears.
Never amounting to something in life has always worried me; however, it’s a motivational worry. The sort that propels me forward and forces me to prove myself wrong. What stops me is change. Both the fear of never changing and the fear of changing.
I like stability, and when a year filled with global uncertainty and struggle is thrown at you, change for the unknown is downright terrifying. Especially, when said change brings an end to a stable income. I should consider myself lucky, not many people have a job at the moment. But what do you do when anxiety and fear immobilise you? Cause silent panic attacks late in the night and render you utterly exhausted come morning? Not changing my situation, became crippling.
With a house, two weddings and accompanying events, and a future to save for, quitting my full time job at a luxury decor company might not be the smartest move. Yet, I did resign from my position, and come January I’ll be nose deep in essays, working on completing my undergraduate degree and setting up my career.
Now that’s terrifying and exciting.
Happy All Hallows Eve ghouls and gals!
